One beautiful afternoon, a woman and two friends made plans to meet for lunch and stroll through a local art fair. At the last minute, one of the friends invited a fourth, whom the woman didn’t know.

The woman’s only breakfast had been a banana she’d eaten hours earlier. The original plan had been to dine before strolling, but the latecomer had different ideas. She announced, “I already ate,” before heading toward the aisles packed with local art and crafts. The two friends followed her, the woman trailing along behind them. She could barely concentrate; she was so consumed by her growling stomach and growing resentment.

Improbably, hours passed. By early evening, our gal, prone to migraines, had a raging headache. Eventually, she shaved off from the others and staggered to her car, determined to eat finally.

That was the moment she received a call from her friends: “We’re sitting down at a restaurant, meet us here.” Once again, the woman relented. She joined the group. Sadly for her, she didn’t even like the restaurant that had been chosen. (We can guess by whom.) The woman told herself she was making the best of it.

Once the migraine had taken hold, it didn’t budge. Her regular medicines and strategies didn’t seem to touch it. The following morning, she was so ill she couldn’t get out of bed. She literally couldn’t see straight. It was a terrible day to be sick, as she had planned to use it for invoicing and paying overdue bills.

The migraine didn’t pass for three days. When the woman retraced her actions to the time it had started, she saw that her decision, maybe more precisely her non-decision, to “go along to get along,” had flipped her into three days of debilitating pain.

Her behavior is commonly referred to as “people pleasing.” I think it has more to do with the discomfort generated by not going along, and the accompanying fear of potential rejection for doing so. In the long run, whatever one calls it, going along to get along leads to blame and resentment. This helpless, no-self posture can result in periodic explosions of unvoiced grudges when it’s too late for either party to do anything about them.

If it becomes chronic, going along to get along can lead to more than just an occasional migraine headache. In the most severe situations, giving in “can reach a state of sufficient ‘no-self’ to become incapacitated with (a) physical illness, (b) emotional illness, or (c) social dysfunction, such as work inefficiency, drinking, or social irresponsibility.” (125)

How does someone put “self” into a situation? The question, “What do I think?” is a good start.

Bowen, Murray. Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, Jason Aronson, Inc.. Kindle Edition.